Later I will understand

When you are fighting for your life, nothing feels the same. I want it to feel the same, but it doesn’t. I keep looking for the woman I used to be and I can’t find her. Broken open and raw – a new version of me is forming.

“You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”
John 13:7
These are the words of Jesus. They were meant for Peter but they jumped off the page and spoke directly to me.

I know the story of Peter. At the time of this conversation with Jesus, he couldn’t have predicted what was in front of him. He was at the Last Supper and Jesus was washing his feet. Peter was hours away from losing the one person he had given everything up for. Hours away from denying 3 times the one person who had changed his life forever. Hours away from tragedy.

As he denied Jesus and then lost him to an unthinkable death, he may not have recognized himself any longer. He may have felt lost without Jesus. How was this terrible ending possible?

 Sometimes we think tragedy is the end. But, I’m starting to believe it can be a beginning.

Jesus knew what Peter did not. Just as Jesus knew his death was not the end and he would return, he also knew Peter’s denial was not his end. Peter would become a spokesperson and stand up for who Jesus was and what Jesus did like no one else. It wasn’t an ending, it was actually a beginning.

In the middle of the tragedy Peter would not know he was weeks away from a defining moment recorded in Acts 2. Little did he know what Jesus knew. Peter would change the world.
Sometimes I feel lost with this cancer diagnosis not knowing exactly how to push forward with my life. I look at Peter and when all seemed lost, something new was born. Maybe something new will be born for me. Maybe something will be born for you.

I think the relief is in the acceptance of what life is now, not looking back to how it used to be. It’s trusting that in time I will realize this was a beginning and not an end.

I can’t rely on things I did before to bring comfort. They don’t work anymore. I am not Peter, but I am a person that God loves. I believe in God’s ability to recover what feels lost to me. To make this time in my life a springboard for something new.
He can do that.
I do not realize now what He is doing, but later I will understand.

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