“You must be willing to take your ideas of what the journey will be like and tear them into tiny pieces. For nothing on the itinerary will happen as you expect.”
-Annie Porter Johnson
When I found this quote, I hung onto it for comfort. I can relate. Nothing has turned out as I expected in more ways than one. How do I reconcile that? When life takes turns and twists that you didn’t plan for and you don’t really want.
Tiny pieces, my hopes and my plans for this time in my life are laying on the floor in tiny pieces that I can’t put back together. I am in a place I didn’t think was possible. I did the surgeries, lived a healthy lifestyle and took all the steps to avoid breast cancer. It still happened despite my efforts. I am not in control.
Here is where I find my peace. I believe in God. I believe He is good and I believe He loves me and I trust that. That trust was born during my first battle with cancer when I was wrestling with my own mortality. That’s when He became very real to me. Believing in Him has made my life complete, even in difficult times, I am complete. So, I made a choice early on after I was diagnosed for the second time with cancer to not focus on the why. Mostly because I can only use my imagination to make guesses about that and I can’t see any benefit to spending time on something I will never have the answer to. What I can focus on is how I am going to get through cancer treatment. I have complete control over that. It is hard, but I believe how we do hard things matter.
I have been focusing on this verse in the Bible that talks about God’s role in my life.
“Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me.” Psalm 138:7a,8
We search and we look for outward miracles. We pray for them and hope for them and that’s okay. How often do we search for and pray for the inner miracles? The ones that change the course of our lives, the ones that help us trust more, the ones that teach us how to truly love and care for the people in our lives. The inner miracles that leave us more humble and more effective.
Let the tiny pieces stay on the floor so the miracles can happen.
I love people and love investing in them, I love leading them and I love friendship. For some reason there can be a small voice in my head telling me that I am not enough. Through this experience I have been surrounded by people who have lifted me up, cheered me on and helped me every step of the way through this battle. This process has shown me that I am loved back and I am enough.
For me, that is a miracle. Feeling love and care from others has been a healing balm, it’s a salve to the soul. There are not enough words to describe the endless texts, cards, meals, gifts and time people have given my family and I.
For the last 30 days of my chemotherapy treatment a different friend/family came to our home every night with a sign cheering me on, helping us countdown the days to my last treatment with words of encouragement. Their daily visits lifted my tired heart and body while I waited for the end to come. And, it did come and I survived chemotherapy for the second time in my life. It was the thing I needed that I didn’t know I needed.
My mom always used to say “people are more important than things.” She repeated that phrase to me time and time again while she was raising me. I’ve always believed that to be true, but I believe it to the depths of my being after this experience. It’s the people you have in your life that help define who you are, not the things. And because of that, I am rich in this life.
“Hope is like stars – unseen in the sunshine of prosperity and only discovered during a night of adversity” -Charles H. Sprurgeon
The people in my life have been my hope in the dark.
I sit still with my old plan in pieces and I wait in expectation for God to fulfill His purpose for me. Being still can be hard when we ache to move. Moving feels like we are doing something, accomplishing something. Staying still can feel like shame because it may seem like we aren’t doing anything. When in fact, we may be doing some of the most important work of our lives. Staying still can be the place where hope blooms and where light is shed in the dark.
Leave the pieces on the floor and let the miracles begin.
Select the link below to view the 30 day countdown video